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One of my favorite comedians is Louis CK. One day when I wasn’t feeling too good I found his show Hilarious on Netflix and I gave it a watch. Turned out to be rather brilliant. There are a few main threads in the show, but it gets its name from a section where Louis talks about word usage. He notes that “hilarious” means that something is so funny it could literally cause you to be hysterical. Is what you just called “hilarious” really HILARIOUS? Probably not. This show comes to mind almost every day as I surf the online waters. It’s so easy to type words, and without facial expressions or vocal intonation, it’s easy to use words casually as if their impact is non-existent.

Well, today I’m serving as your Jiminy Cricket – that voice in your head that makes you stop and ponder. I’ve come up with 40 words and phrases that I see online all of the time, and I think people don’t really calculate the impact they have, especially if you can’t back up these particular words with actual actions and knowledge. I am protesting, in other words. So without further adieu, the 40 words and phrases I’d love to never see online ever again (unless you REALLY mean them).

Words of self-aggrandizement

1. Guru – You’re a masterful teacher? Are you sure?
2. Master – You don’t look like He-Man…
3. Expert – What does being a Twitter expert mean? Can you tweet “140 at a time” better than anyone else?
4. Specialist – This one might not be too bad, but again, you should back it up. If you’re a marketing specialist, you should be able to define words like “brand,” for example.
5. Ninja – So, you’re a covert or feudal mercenary agent from feudal Japan? Alright then.
6. Jedi –I knew Yoda, sir. And no Yoda are you. You’re not even green and fuzzy.
7. Pro – Is there a Professional Marketing League (PML) we don’t know about for Pro Marketers? Sounds more like a fantasy league.

“I do not think this word means what you think it means” words

8. Transparency – This does not mean sharing every pimple on your butt.
9. Authenticity – This does not mean showing pictures of your life to show how great it is.
10. Engaging – This does not mean “Just talking to peeps” or in many cases “down” to peeps.
11. Conversation – This does not mean you tweeting or Facebooking AT people (although the @ sign in Twitter does make this confusing, I’ll admit)
12. Community – Not the same thing as a clique that benefits the few. Watch Heathers for clarification.
13. Human – I know, it seems weird that I would want to see this word banned, but I think people have used this word so often online we’ve actually forgotten how to be, well, human. I’d rather the species than the word, if given a choice.

Made up online words

14. Caturday – I’m all for cute kittens, but this word makes my skin crawl. So would Dogurday.
15. Klout – I know, it’s not just a word, it’s a state of mind. Still…
16. LOL – It has had a GREAT run. Let it retire.
17. Kred – See Klout
18. #Anything #with #a #hashtag – Can anyone explain to me why we need to #hashtag words like #thanks on #Twitter?
19. Influencer – Granted, this is a real word. However, and I say this with all love and compassion, the online world has made it gross

Strings of Innocent Words that Become Punishable Phrases

20. Said no one ever – Possibly chortle funny the first time, the number of memes I’ve seen with these words is beyond my capacity to count now.
21. I know, right? – OK, I’ve even used this one a few times. But it needs to stop. I’ve quit cold turkey. So can you.
22. No offense but… – Have you ever seen someone start a sentence that way and then NOT say something offensive? It’s like the Midwest version of “Bless her heart.” Just be mean already!
23. Is the mayor of… – Do you really want me to know that you’re the mayor of the toilet paper store? If so, why?
24. Is at… – OK, maybe I’m just anti-Foursquare, but seriously, I don’t need to know where you are every waking minute. These two seemingly banal words fill my online world and make me sad.
25. Has poked you – Do I need to explain this one?
26. Is Dead – If one more thing is declared dead (print, email, marketing, advertising, the web, the world) – I might have to shoot a unicorn. Speaking of which…
27. Return on… – Marketing talk will be more difficult without these two words, but if we just stick with ROI I think it’ll be easier. Return on Ignorance, Influence, Idiocy, or whatever else people come up with is just, well, it needs to stop.
28. Is a douchebag! – I’ve always thought it was interesting that it’s mostly men who use this insult. You know why? Women know exactly what this insult means, and it’s too crude for us!
29. Haters gonna hate! – I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this over my short interlude in the online world, but it’s too many. Dismissing people who disagree with you in this manner, well, it makes me feel…hateful!
30. Thought Leader – This one creeps me out to be honest. Are we the Borg, here to absorb your thinking? Bah!
31. Mommy/Daddy Blogger – Why do we have to use the diminutive for these folks? Especially in the case of women, the phrase “mommy blogger” just seems to place powerful online women into a category everyone can feel more comfortable with.
32. I #Followback – Have you encountered a Twitter account that had this in the bio and was not a total spam account?

Words and Phrases That Are Just Plain Tired

33. Forms of “Rock” – “You Rock!”….”Rockin’ the <fill in the blank>. Kurt Cobain would say “Smells Like Fake Spirit.”
34. Awesome – This is another word that Louis CK attacks. Awesome = to be filled with awe. Are you sure that person or thing fills you with awe?
35. A-Lister – How many blog posts are there that use this in the subject line, for good or ill? LOTS.
36. Personal Brand – Can we find another way to say that we are tweeting a lot about ourselves and our stuff?
37. Un-whatever – OK, I know this started with a book title, and that was clever and cool. I’d like to undo this prefix now, please.
38. Content Marketing – Is there nothing else to do? And speaking or which…
39. Content is King – Where’s the prince already? Hasn’t something else take up the reign yet?
40. That quote from Thomas Edison about how much he failed – It’s sure to get you a lot of RTs, but golly. Didn’t anyone else experience failure apart from him?

Well, there you have it. Forty words and phrases I’d love to see no more (after this). You know this is just the tip of the iceberg! What would you add?

I’ve been doing a lot of writing and thinking about myths lately. Not like, the Greek myths or anything, but rather the sort of mythical thinking you run into when online folks talk about marketing concepts. For example, a lot of bloggers write about how you shouldn’t really do traditional marketing tactics anymore or how creating a website is a piece of cake…stuff like that. What I haven’t told anybody yet is that I was actually inspired by some pretty classic rock songs. You may not have known that these songs were written and composed to combat some of the myths running riot in the online world, but I am here to tell you that that is exactly the case.

To prove it, I’ve outlined for your pondering the seven songs that specifically inspired me to follow this line of thinking. Here they are!

1. Money (That’s What I want) by The Beatles

Despite all evidence to the contrary, many people who are tweeting, blogging, Facebooking, pinning, and more actually are hoping that some money comes of it. That means that as important as engaging and conversing and transparency and authenticity might be, what people really want is, well, money. Yep, that’s what they want. The Beatles actually wrote this song as a way to combat the myth that people should solely focus on the “fluffy” stuff in the online world.

2. Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel

Many people do not know that this song was actually written about integrated marketing and the need to build bridges between different departments and different kinds of marketing. Specifically, Garfunkel was hoping his epic mood would drive people to remember that building a bridge between social media marketing and more “traditional” marketing can be a really effective way to avoid “troubled waters.”

3. Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin

You might not think “marketing” when you think of Janis Joplin and her wailing ways, but the fact is that she wrote this song specifically to combat the idea that people should try every single marketing tactic available, and immediately. Janis felt very strongly that this was a woefully bad way of doing business, so she framed the song such that every time you try something new without planning and strategizing, you’re taking another piece of heart. The “You know you got child if it makes you feel good” thing was just added for dramatic effect.

4. Creep by Radiohead

Very, very few people ever realized that Radiohead wrote “creep” to protest the idea that community-building should be your top priority online if you are using social media for business. Now, they wrote the lyrics to be a bit angst-ridden – it was the 90s, after all, but their point is “Hey, I don’t belong here” as in, they haven’t spent their time creating a community. They also felt a bit odd that community had not been their first priority while it was top priority for so many others.

5. Talk of the Town by the Pretenders

A lot of people think that getting a lot of followers and becoming an online celebrity or a “twelebrity” is what social media is all about. However, if you are using social media to market your product or service, you’re going to find that being the “talk of the town” isn’t going to do you a lot of good if the people talking about you don’t want to buy from you. That’s what lies behind this classic hit from The Pretenders. You know they’re on board with my way of thinking because they’re from my hometown, right?

6. Mama I’m Comin’ Home by Ozzy Osbourne

Did you know that Ozzy actually wrote this song because he was thinking about the whole “ROI of your mom” soundbyte? Yep. That was his inspiration for this song. Consider especially, “Times gone by it seems to me/you coulda been a better friend to me.” He’s really trying to apply an ROI formula to this relationship and it’s gosh darned hard for him. It’s all very loose and ambiguous. But in a subtle way, Ozzy wanted to show that while the “ROI of your mother” would be hard to prove, there are certainly ways to figure the ROI of your social media marketing efforts. It’s an undercurrent to the song. Listen for it.

7. Hotel California by the Eagles

The Eagles, few people may know, actually had started doing some social media marketing before they wrote this hit song. They had bought into the idea that having a marketing plan was lame, so they just jumped in. Well, wouldn’t you know they found themselves in a situation where they weren’t making a lot of headway but they couldn’t just quit either. You know what that became – “You can check out any time you like but you can never leave.” I’m sure there are other social media references in the song as well.

I know some of you might be skeptical about how some of these bands came to write these songs. You might even ask me for proof. Well, I don’t have any, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. With that being said, can you think of any other rock songs that you just realized were actually written to dispense with marketing myths that are spreading throughout the online world? If so, share ‘em here!

Marjorie Clayman is the Director of Client Development at Clayman Advertising, Inc., her family’s third-generation full service marketing firm. Margie has recently published an e-book that you can read about here.

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